Hey there!
I hope your days have been wonderful, or at least.....'okay'. I mean it, I really hope that you're doing alright at least.
Prologue - 17-July
In my case right now, I'm in a bubble. And the wall of my bubble is wearing thin. It is both agile (since I still manage to hold on day by day) yet fragile (since I'm also feeling really really really low on strength and willpower). Don't worry, though. I think I'll make it through this turbulence. It's temporary. To put it in a simple statement, though not explanatory enough - I'm tired. Like....just tired. A lot of my friends might not realise it yet because I'm trying to appear as the usual, optimistic me who believes that nothing can ever rain on my parade. I still would like to think so but I suppose for now, this is a 'side effect' of my never-ending optimism (which I still refuse to give up on!).
I will do this post in a timeline, diary-like structure, where I will update it a few times per day and keep saving it as a draft until the day it is published. I'm giving myself about one week to get it together and feel better. Day 1 starts today - 17-July-2017.
Side note: If I really end up losing myself and then unable to or forget to publish this, someone (hopefully trusty) could still see it in my draft once my device gets hacked, right? There's still hope.
17-July
Here's something quite funny about this whole situation. I'm almost convinced that I'll go medically insane sooner or later. I denied it at first but I started to believe so after weeks of multifactorial stress-filled days. That's why I'm writing this to let it out bit by bit, hoping that I will find my peace of mind again. On the other flip of the coin, I'm not fond of getting other people involved with my crazy life when I don't want to bother them, thanks to my sense of pride. And that's why I'm setting a timer for this post to be published in the near future instead of on the same day I start to write this. Hopefully, by the time this is published, I will feel more like my jolly self again from the inside and this will become a little story that we can all learn from.
Ahh....I need to get ready for work soon. I had a brief rest the weekend before but it definitely wasn't enough. Maybe I'm just missing people, or missing home, or missing the general feeling of being carefree. I'm used to juggling many things at one time. I normally just wing it, you know. This time, I'm doing things pretty much the same way with the same mindset. But something seems different. I can't figure it out yet, so it's driving me crazy! This is random but one day recently, a friend of mine said to me "But you're already crazy." when I expressively blurted out that I felt like I was going crazy. See....this is because a lot of the people who know me (if not all) have acknowledged that I'm a little less-than-normal by nature.
After work (past midnight), I stopped by at a convenience store near my place to grab a drink and some tidbits. I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep right away, so I spent a good hour or so in the kitchen, indulging in the things I bought while watching some silly videos on YouTube. I giggled at some point, so that's a relief. At least I haven't lost my sense of humour. As much as I enjoy getting updates on what the people I know are up to on social media, I logged off and deactivated my main social media sites - Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. I'm still on Whatsapp, Line, and Messenger, though, because those are the convenient ways my family back home or my close friends can reach out to me when they need to. I also check my email inbox occasionally. Other than that, I'm on social media hiatus. By the time you read this, I'll probably be back on the mainstream social media sites. We'll see.
18-July
I have no memory of going to bed last night and waking up this morning to get ready for the day. The next thing I knew, I was already in the office! At work, my wonderful colleague and good friend buzzed me to ask if I was feeling any better. She had an idea because I mentioned to her the day before that I was in distress due to the many things that are going on around me. "Even Wonder Woman rests," she told me today. She's such a kind soul. I feel sorry for letting her know when I initially planned to let NO ONE know how overwhelming things have been. **So sorry ㅠㅠ** If I could take it back, I would. But at that point of time, I was torn between telling a friend or talking to a psychiatrist (Yes, my brain is acting really weird even for a weirdo like me.). My silly mind even thought of registering into a rehab centre. I just kind of want to escape and take a break.
I think my main problem is that I'm stubborn enough to want to juggle everything and keep juggling on my own. I can't help it. I've gotten so used to it that I might have reached my maximum capacity and should slow down a little but a part of me hasn't realised it. No, no, that doesn't really make sense (As if I still have my senses.. LOL). Maybe I realise it but my brain and my heart are currently conflicting each other, causing the rest of me to be lost and hanging by a string. Gosh, I hate it when I'm hanging! Well....today wasn't so bad. But the mysterious feeling of misery hasn't left me. Could this be some kind of a premature mid-life crisis or something? We don't really have to be middle-aged to have it, right? Right?
19-July
I think I slept pretty well last night. Rest-wise, it feels okay at this moment. The bummer is that I woke up with a vague feeling of depression....as if my conscious mind was telling me "You're still not okay, girl~". That's just cruel, isn't it? I then literally sat up on my bed and told myself to breathe. In all honesty, sometimes I forget to breathe. Now, I'm sitting in the kitchen with my cup of coffee, updating this entry while dreading (a bit) to go through the rest of my routine for the day.
As the day progresses, I think I feel more alive bit by bit. I'm slowly becoming more like the usual me - even though no one knows for sure what the "usual me" really is since I'm quite tricky to be defined. LOL Maybe it's the fried chicken that I'm having right now that's making me feel better. **Quick break time at the office** Have I told anyone how much I love fried chicken? Just like fries, fried chickens are heaven-sent! My chatters and laughter feel more genuine today. Baby steps~
The rest of the day went okay. I'm in my kitchen now (again) after a bearable day at work. I'm thinking.....should I deactivate my Messenger? Since I'm not on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter at the moment, I might as well take a break from Messenger too. My family can still get in touch via Whatsapp or text message or phone call. But then....what about my friends who don't have my number? And what about my international friends? Is it really okay for me to disconnect from them? I don't feel like it's fair. My conscience won't let me. I'm here for you guys if you need me, friends. **Fists bump** You can only see this once it's published.....but yea, I'll be here for you.
20-July
I woke up earlier than usual this morning; earlier than my alarm. Dad called, so I answered the phone and strangely after that, I didn't feel like going back to sleep. So I got up. I might regret this later on. I put on my earphone and listened to the playlist on my phone as a perk-me-up before coffee - which could riskfully end up the other way around since my playlist contains a mixture of exciting and depressing songs. Normally, I would be able to just feed on the energy of the exciting songs and appreciate the musicality of the depressing ones (for balance), but I'm afraid that's not the case at the moment since I'm not fully me. I might turn into an emo creeper instead, which you do NOT want to see. Hahaha... The joke's on me for getting those songs in the first place! Wait....now I feel a bit sleepy again. Should I go back to sleep? My work starts at 3 in the afternoon and it's only around 9:30 in the morning now. Decisions, decisions...
I ended up falling back to sleep for a bit more. LOL I feel more energised now to get through the day. Time for my love - coffee before work~ I've mentioned that I'm currently on Whatsapp, Line, and Messenger; Whatsapp for family and friends, Messenger for more friends, and Line for my alliance members from the game 'Evony' (I got trapped into this game and can't get out.). I've been quite inactive in the game lately but I enter the game daily to get my rewards and re-bubble my castle to protect it from potential attacks. I briefly caught up with some members of my alliance. Oh boy, I miss talking to them! We take care of one another, in the game and somehow in real life too. We recently merged with another alliance and is now proudly known as Royal Union (used to be Royal Pain).
I feel almost 50% myself, I think. Argh....I still can't spill out exactly what have been bothering me and who are a part of it. I'm sorry, I might drag this to my grave, even. What if.....this is all because of some decisions I tactlessly made? What if.....I'm making this bigger than it actually is? What if.....I unknowingly broke my own self? Okay, stop overthinking, P!
Oh my.....what a weird coincidence! I'm catching up with my alliance members on Line before bed and they've been talking about being emotionally drained and shutting down from the society. I jumped into the conversation and gave an instant prep talk to one of the members who has "pushed people away for so long, finding it hard to feel fit in anywhere". "Slow and steady, one day at a time, cautious but optimistic has been working for me," stated another member. Our Alliance Queen gave some wise words, "We are all misfits in some way. Being different is normal." Wow~
21-July
Hey, it's Friday... That's one generally good thing to look forward to. **BRB... Phone call** Mom just called while I was writing this in the dining area at home. I could hear my sisters in the background, getting hyped over a movie they were watching on TV. **Not envious** **Lying** I'll see them in about a month. Ready or not, sisss~
I'm starting to experience one of the obvious effects of not being on social media. Even though it keeps me away from knowing more than I need or want to, it also keeps me uninformed of the real, major news. Now, I would just find out stuff from my friends or colleagues through words-of-mouth. Like today (a few minutes ago), one of the shocking news that I found out later than the general public was about the death of Chester from the band Linkin Park. I literally grabbed my teammate's phone when he showed me a related Instagram post. I traced through the hashtags and figured out that the singer hung himself to death. ㅠㅠ A part of me feels so sad and baffled by his action.....but another part kind of gets him, you know. Humans are both strong and weak. Let's not hurt each other and ourselves. Never take anyone for granted no matter how much of a 'hassle' it might appear to simply ask someone "How are you doing?" or to tell them "Hang in there!" despite not knowing their full story yet. I've been on both sides of the ropes, so believe me, it matters to care. Today, work has been in between light to medium in weightage. That's good.
My dear friend that I knew from a past pageant invited me to a bon odori event and a sleepover for the weekend. I said okay because she has literally 'booked' me for that. LOL She was wondering why I didn't respond to her Facebook invitation for that event and I told her that I'm currently not on Facebook. She was like..."Whyyy..?". ^o^v This Sunday, I will also be getting the keys to a condo unit my colleagues and I are renting for our office move to another town. Yep, I'm moving! I have to. ㅠㅠ Sometimes it feels like I'm on autopilot mode with all of the various things that are going on around me right now.
22-July
Hi Saturday! Let's chill a bit before I get going with my friend's bon odori programme later this afternoon. Ahh...I feel like I should re-visit my Japanese Language notes from my university days. (Trivia: I studied beginner Japanese Language as an elective subject for two semesters in university. I aced both semesters! **Personal achievement unlocked**) I glanced through my Whatsapp, Line, and Messenger to view the messages that I had not read yet. I came across some familiar profiles including one that I used to talk to all the time about even the tiniest, most ridiculous subjects. I don't really know why we stopped. Believe it or not, I'm clueless. Do I want to know, though? That's one of the things that are silently killing me, to add to the list. Just keep breathing and stay alive until we figure it out, 'aite. Hate you~
Wait...do we get reactivated on Facebook if we use Waze? My account sure did. I guess it's because I previously linked my Waze to my Facebook. I checked my email and saw "Welcome back" from Facebook team. I entered the website just to check if it's true and yep, I got reactivated. I still need to use Waze for the weekend, so I'm just gonna have to stay away from the site while I'm at it. Darn....I HAD to scroll down my news feed a little! And you know how Facebook would selectively show you updates or posts by specific people even from a day ago or so, as if it cynically tells you "Look at this person! You know you want to see if he/ she is still alive, happy or broken!".. **Log off and force close website!** Still kind of hate you~ For no reason~ Wait....what am I even talking about? Okay, I'm confused.
Done with bon odori festival~ That was interesting! I have always wanted to go to such cultural festival. My friend and I even joined in the bon odori dance! I made new friends today too. After the festival, we had dinner, or more like supper, as a group of six at a Korean eatery place. LOL...first, Japanese, then, Korean? Such a heavy, filling meal! I found out that my new friends are avid Japanese culture fans (like me) and a few are divers (like me too!). It was really nice to get to know them and chat about whatever. It helps to get my mind off certain things, you know. And it's nice to make new friends (almost) randomly.
23-July
Sunday breakfast with my friend~ We're having roti canai with fish curry and sugar. Lovely! Quick question - am I a bad person if I know that someone is awake in the morning and I want to casually wish "Good morning!" like I used to but decide not to? Gosh, I don't understand myself! At this rate, I don't know if I'm going to end my brief hiatus soon. I might need to extend it to another week. **Sigh** The main problem is really just me, isn't it?
Got the keys to my new residential place with my friends...yey! I snapped and recorded some photos and videos these past few days. I would love to share them with you guys but not yet, I guess. Hey, here's an idea! Maybe I will post them anytime in the future under the hashtag #whenIwasaway or #hiatusmisfit or #comefindme (Okay, this last one comes up because the song 'Lost Boy' by 5SOS is playing in my head right now. The song has "Come find me.. Come find me.. Come find me.. Come find me.. 🎶" before the last chorus. LOL). Should I go back to social media? Or give myself more break time from it? The virtual break time is somehow rejuvenating but I have to admit, I miss the social media butterfly side of me too, just a bit.
I ended this weekend with some friends, watching a movie in 4D - the one with moving chair, blowing wind, squirting water, synthetical smell, and occasional butt massage. It was interesting, but most of all, a good distraction even if only temporary. You know what's frustrating to me right now? One moment, I think I'm slowly but surely getting it together, the next moment, I just get the urge to feel miserable all over again. Split personalities, huh? Why doesn't it feel right? Is there a message that I just don't get from all of this? I thought I was feeling better, even just a little, but I'm starting to see that I don't quite get it yet. Go figure!
So.....I'm gonna publish this for now but remain under the radar for a bit. I hate potentially seeing people I care about being less than okay, if any. It makes me not okay too. Come on now! I know it's hard but let's get through this. We have to.
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What makes this whole situation stranger is how much this song ('Funny' by the ever talented Tori Kelly) tells my same story, well, most part of it. It has been popping out now and then on my shuffled playlist. Ain't that funny...
I would play this song on a guitar and sing it but I haven't tuned my guitar that I got not too long ago, and the keyboard that I normally play is all the way at my hometown. So.....maybe someday?
My last (but not really last) words to you all - be careful how you play the game.. 🎶
but don't get stressed out too much la~
Sending you lots of love and good vibes.. 🖤
Please don't keep it to yourself if things get too intense. I have this blog to slowly pour it out to. If you have no one else to turn to, come talk to me. I mean it.
